This art featured in my memoir, Incandescence: Rising Above Darkness is included as a moment of serenity between chapters and does not necessarily have any literal connection to the story.
Meeting Myself On A Mountain Top & Wishing On Every Shooting Star In A Meteor Shower
Incandescence: Rising Above Darkness Excerpt Chapter #37 Dancing With Death
My mother did not complain about anything, even about her life-threatening asthma attacks. I do not remember a time when she did not periodically struggle to breathe. She described it as feeling like she was drowning. When she had difficulty, my father would get angry and blame her. My siblings were overwhelmed by fear and would get away from her struggling sounds. There was no one left to help her but me. I remember asking the invisible to please give me courage. I comprehended in order to have the strength to help her, I must not fight the fear of her death, but dance with it. Sometimes, her struggling eyes looked to me for reassurance. I would take her hand and hold it in mine. Taking in a huge breath, I would imagine the oxygen I was taking in passing through me into her. With each inhale, I would focus on bringing in peace, and with each exhale, I imagined fear leaving. I would push out the end of each breath and empty my lungs so they would fill effortlessly. She would begin to follow my breathing, and I would nod and smile. Each inhale a little deeper, each exhale was a little bigger. She and I would get more and more relaxed together. I would say what she would have said. “It’s going to be alright.”
This dance with death my mother and I would do sometimes happened at home or in the car, at a cafe, in an ambulance, or in the emergency room. The doctors and nurses would check in on us periodically, but often they did not even enter the room. They seemed to understand we were doing something the drugs could not do. At those times, she became my child, and I became her mother. It was an honor to give back a little of the tremendous support and love she gave me. During long illnesses, it was exhausting, but I did not ever resent it. It was my privilege to be there for her during her times of vulnerability.
Clare Cooley
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